2017 has to be better

I don’t know how 2016 was for everyone else, but for me it was a trying year.

It started out okay. The business was good. I had a job I enjoyed, good food and friends. I even had health insurance so I didn’t have to pay the fine this year. I still have all of that but a bit of not-so-good stuff slowly crept in.

It had to deal with loss.

The loss of my freedom to travel cross country for the heck of it.

The loss of running the business every day without interruption.

The loss of my dad.

The loss of true friendship with my kid.

The loss of my sister, again and again.

Basically, the loss of control.

It is hard to say this because we, as humans, like to be in control. We don’t like to lose. Losing is frowned upon. Losing makes you a failure in the eyes of society.

For a while, a long while, I bought into it.

During the summer of 2013, I had a blast traveling with my mom across the states to the west coast. We traveled  for several days, taking in the sights of the mountains, the salt flats, the wildlife and the water.

I miss being able to do this again.

I miss my sister. I miss hearing her voice. I miss hearing her laughter and knowing I could pick up the phone and call her. The last time I saw her, I had some lame ass excuse on why I didn’t want to go to her house again. Truth was I was tired and wanted to relax without having to go all the time. I had no idea it would be the last time I saw her alive. I lost my sister in 2010, yet it feels a lot like it was just yesterday.

In 2016 I lost my dad. In actuality, I lost him to stupidity 18 years or so ago. I won’t go into the details. That is another story. But I will never forget the torn, heart-wrenching feeling I had when I was told he was going into crisis care. For those not aware, my dad went into hospice after discovering his lung cancer was too advanced and after my brother convinced him to do so. I really think the feeling of loss here is because of what I will never have: a dad I can sit and talk about life stuff with rather than who he was. Again, another story.

As to the business, I got lost there as well. I truly love this business. I love helping authors reach their dreams: having a book published. I love working with some of the best people I know. I love that Brieanna has stood by even when I was self destructing. She helped give me a swift kick in the ass to realize what I was doing. I was causing others the pain of loss, the pain of not having control over their works.

So, for 2017, I have a mission. I have a mission to reduce the loss of control, a mission to bring back balance, to regain control. Slips may occur; loss may rear its ugly head again. The difference is I will NOT allow it to take control to that level again.

And on a side note, the tiny gecko that I thought for sure would be either cat food or have starved by now just appeared on the wall and wagged its tail (yes, it really did wag its tail). That really made my day.

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WP books related to loss:

 

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